Enough with the negativity.

I realise my life has been negative for a long time and I have missed out on thinking about the so any good things that happens around me. Things that are worthy of spending time reflecting. So this blog needs a makeover.

Countless

I know there is nothing left for me..
Yet my mind is restless..
Thinking of you..countless times..
No real reason I can find..
I know its useless but I cannot..
stop myself falling for you..
All over again.. Again and again..
Everyday and every way..
Useless.. I convince..
Stab my heart and dry my veins..
To see if it stop calling your name..
Keep me closer.. Love me forever..
Be my strength to win the world over..
It never stop crying.. Knowing its useless ..
I guess its the hope.. The biggest illusion of all.

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Impatient

I feel I have become impatient lately, rushing into things that need time. As the wise old man say, perhaps this is a problem with my age. Or maybe subconsciously I respond to the pressure I have to live with. Now I have decided to actively remind myself that I need to take my time, and not everything need to rushed. Yes, I’m fully aware that it’s not the time to be laid back. Yesterday my father was explaining how things are moving forward so fast, and how the life has become so competitive, that I shouldn’t be wasting time. He is right. But I’m afraid that when you rush, you often make incomplete decisions and altogether wrong ones. I need time to breath and to pull myself together.

Your love is conditional

I know everything in life is conditional. There is nothing that comes unconditional and free. But I thought love is unconditional. There is no “if”. Yet, little that I knew, it comes with strings attached too. “if” is a common word. From “if you reply I reply” to “if you have a job, car, house etc, I love you” these phrases make me sick. Although I was blessed to meet one of my friends who has no “if” in her love towards my childhood friend, people like that are rare. Except for the love that is undeniably unconditional, which is the love of a mother, unconditional love is something that is limited to Bollywood movies I suppose.

Is It The Weather? or The People?

There is no doubt that I will miss England the day I leave. But what I’m not sure is what exactly I would miss. Would it be the weather that is so mild  yet so freezing at times? or would it be the unpoluted air I breathed over four years that is so refreshing? Or can it be the well established institution that amazed me with their carefully planned systems and infustructures? Or simply can it be the people, who are so diversed, yet mind their own business and live independently? I do not know. What I’m most certain is that I will miss the freedom that I enjoyed so much over these years. The freedom that let me do whatever I want, and let me think and talk. It is so addictive, which explains why people are fighting for. In fact, it is worth fighting for. I guess it is a challenging times that is to come. And it will define who I am.

No Escape

I have always being honest. I have always spoken my mind. People that have nothing to hide, or fake, like that. So they stick around. But I have also lost many as well. Only those that never meant to be around me. Some people say they like me being honest and communicating straight. Yet they cannot handle it. They want to listen to lies. Little white lies that make them happy. But I cannot lie. Neither I can fake. So I lose them. If I still want them around me I try being silent. But I still lose them. Those that are not meant to be around me.

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Express yourself

Unlike a decade a go, nowadays feelings and thoughts are widely expressed and spoken of. People don’t have to find someone who would listen to them. Thanks to the popular media such as internet, which hosts various social networking sites and blogs, and mobile telecommunication technologies, people express their feelings more frequently and freely. When you look at them, you might think that there is so much going on in people’s lives now. But these complexities were already there from the beginning. The only difference is that expression was limited. However it doesn’t necessarily say anything about the quality of these expression. Whatever post in the media is subject to own interpretations. Yet some would argue that it would bring more open discussion compared to old one-to-one system. As the number of perspectives would be limited if you share your expressions with just one in person whereas it can be millions in social media. However, we share our feelings on social media. Yet how many of us can actually express true feelings over such media with limited number of words? And without seeing most of the non-verbal emotions, without listening to the depth of the voice, how can we draw conclusions on what we see on, for instant, Facebook status? Yes, there are smily faces and emotion icons but who are we kidding? You can read a lot by looking into someone’s eyes, sometimes without saying a word. Social media to express feelings, therefore, is ineffective.

However I must note that, if you simply need to get over your feelings, or just wanted to clear your head, social media is probably a very effective tool. You are likely to get attention you need, which might help you to get over your feelings. Although I don’t think you should rely on it too much. An intervention from a few best friends would be thousand times better than millions of “likes”.

Head and Shoulders Above

I don’t know whether to smile, I don’t know whether to cry.. Smile because I’m happy and I’m proud, cry because I cannot join you.. Not that I don’t have a right, but because I need to. Yet, I’m certain it won’t make any difference. “fallen flowers won’t climb back”. You have already begun your journey alone. But, let this one be with everyone you love. Through a crowd full of people you care.

Needs and Reasons

Once I saw this quote on Facebook which has been shared by a friend of mine as a wall post. It got me thinking because the words have a meaning.

“If someone needs to leave you, there is no point of asking reasons. Why?Because for a need, thousands of reasons can be created”

This holds true in many occasions, from the student leaving a classroom early, to giving up a relationship with your family. If there is no need involved, then we humans will create one too. But then again, there is a reason why we call it a “need”. Because it is essential for our survival. Does it means that if someone needs to leave you that is because it is essential for their survival?

The Point I Cannot Make!

In my country there is a saying which means that there is no point in playing drums after the parade is gone. I have seen how people are trying to make it up to people who they have hurt. But what’s the point of doing so when they can so dearly chose not to hurt them in the first place. We are not so perfect after all so we hurt each others. What count is the fact that you try to correct it. I believe every man and woman has a choice. They choose to hurt others, just like they choose to make them happy. Some of us choose to ignore, once we hurt others. And some even carefully orchestrate it. Even if I don’t call you a bitch someone else will. I remember reading a paper by Watts and Zimmerman (1983), who said everyone is self-centred. Everything they talk, and do evolves around this idea, opportunism. The world seems a sick place when I constantly think about it, experience it. Perhaps I’m an utopian. Or a complete fool who has had enough! Maybe it all goes down to the survival of the fittest. The law of nature.